Becoming a Writer
Boooooozhoooo!
(My Anishinaabemowin translation: helllllllo!)
“Boozhoo” say to greet my relatives at AISES National Conference 2021; Phoenix, AZ, 2021.
First, let me introduce myself in Anishinaabemowin (the language of the Anishinaabe people).
Biiwaanikwe indizhinikaz.
Blizzard woman is what they call me.
It’s important to introduce myself in my language to my ancestors, so they can recognize me amongst the chaos and confusion of the universe, at the time(s) in which I exist within the Multiverse. Even if they just laugh at the stumbling attempt at saying my name I hope they feel represented today.
I’m telling you this because you have just stepped into my timeline. Welcome. It’s weird here but I’m hoping I could chat with you a bit about something I have been researching for a long time. Me.
My Identity
My name is Madison “the Bean” Denae Anderson and I identify as and with a lot of things. Today my identity is consumed by the fact that I need to ‘become a writer’. I’ve spent the day doing writer things: writing, editing, drinking caffeine, checking emails, staring out the window as I dissociate in my long fuzzy emerald cardigan holding a cup of caffeine and avoiding the deficits I feel deeply in my attention span.
Right now, I identify as a cishet-Anishinaabikwe (Anishinaabe woman) doctoral student, studying Epidemiology at the University of Minnesota. I’m a strong independent woman, a life-partner, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a work wife, a cuddle bunny, a stinker, a buddy, a Loki to a Thor, a once first-generation college, a woman of color, a STEM advocate, an epidemiologist, a graduate student, a public health practitioner, a Liberal, a feminist, a Minnesotan, an Indigenous small business owner, an artist, an art lover, a nerd, and Indiginerd, a leader, an organizer, a goofball, a lucky duck, a silly goose, a social media consumer, an advocate, a mover and also a shaker, a thinker, and sometimes, a stinker.
If you already knew me prior to you reading this, you might already know, but I suffer greatly from Colonization.
I’ve Suffered from Colonization alllll my 29 years of my life until I diagnosed myself just this week. When I came to realize that my underlying inner turmoil was caused by Colonization, I felt like a damn phoenix rising out of the ashes of who I was, replaced with the purpose of being a social justice warrior.
Well, really, I feel myself rising to my status as a writer and just…. write more about how Colonization continues to oppress people.
I realized that I needed to warn others about the side effects of allowing Colonization to impact your identity.
To illustrate character development and establish trust as a writer, please see the following classic 2012 jumping photos from the year I became sentient to Colonization. I am being vulnerable here, people.
LONG STORY SHORT: I feel guilty and shame about a lot of who I am and what I do because of Colonization.
Growing up, I struggled with my identity greatly because I do not phenotypically look like the stereotypical American Indian. My skin is whiter than most would expect for a Native and I’ve got unruly, wild curly hair which adds a few inches to my short, squat stature. I have blue/green/grey eyes.
TLDR; today I strongly identify as an extremely social, sometimes socially awkward, social justice hobbit-warrior whose purpose is to fight the lasting impacts of Colonization on our society.
It’s me, grinning outside of a hobbit hole in New Zealand.
My Purpose
I’m telling you about me because I am not an objective individual. I have my own worldview, with biases that I have developed after years of positive and negative reinforcement from societal values. I am ever-aware of the fact that my experiences are my own and that merely speaking requires a stance on my biased worldview. It represents a moment on the timeline of my existence and now, of yours.
The energy I’ve put into writing has to be intentional because it is a record. It is data for future generations, limited by its cross-sectional nature. I’m constantly changing and evolving as a human; shifting my worldview with new information from credible sources that I trust, so all of my writings are considered to be retrospective data. I can’t give you a writing from my future, that’s impossible. (Hilarious, but impossible; like me trying to show you a photo of me in the future).
Data tells us a story, and for too long, the stories being told in our society have been rooted in White Supremacy. Data has been known to exclude, harm, and ignore those that exist in the margins.
I guess that’s the thing about stories, the story-teller has such an influence on the audience. The artist has an influence on the art. The writer has an influence on the reader.
What I’m here to do in this post is tell you that I am qualified to tell stories and document my struggles of Living with Colonization, a condition I ward off via beadwork. I hope that by talking more about Living with Colonization, we can collectively heal just a bit more from the atrocious acts committed against the Indigenous peoples of America and work toward creating new traditions for a better tomorrow.
lol, okay now what is what i’m sure you’re thinking. but wut about the beads… I came here for beads. Well, silly goose, guess what, beads are involved.
This relates to where I see this blog going. Despiting having struggled with my identity over the years, I have consistently used my appearance to convey aspects of my identity. Fashion is another medium provides context of an individual’s identity and allows for ease of recognition. My best friend Brittany reminded me that
When I realized my identity struggles could be blamed on colonization, my struggle began to dissipate into an understanding that I needed to talk about the guilt I carry of colonization. I still struggle with my identity, and the idea of colonization still lives on inside of me. I wonder if this is what elders mean when they say that they “walk in two worlds”. Picturing a world in which colonization just…. didn’t happen … is a counterfactual I struggle with imagining. I struggle with the concept of Living with Colonization. I spend a great deal of time thinking about loss of land, language and culture; I think it’s something a lot of Native’s struggle with.
just a
s m o l town girlllll
living in a colonized worrrrllld
I often think of song parodies when I’m trying to covey a specific complex feeling to someone that understands me well. Here I’m joking via poem form about how I grew up in a small town, and I now view the world in which I exist in to be a colonized world. I find that when I’m talking, I like saying things and phrases to the cadence of a popular songs. I think I’m trying to let the listener in on another clue to the tone and mood I’m trying to convey. I have to admit that I often find things are better with background music; refer to my lofi obsession.
Writers Block
This is a meme. The left side says 'my professional writing style', and on the right is a comparison to 'when I start talking', highlighting the disconnect I often feel about communicating in writing compared to talking.
I hope to identify as a writer one day. I do not currently identify as a ‘writer’ but I hope in writing this, I am one step closer. I hope that my fear of publishing research is replaced with calm confidence to tell the story of how colonization continues to impact the field of public health. I hope to find strength in advocating for the betterment of all with concepts embedded in Indigenous worldviews. My people are natural storytellers, with oral traditions passed down from generation to generation. So forgive me for the delay in realizing my call to be a storyteller. Writing this blog post was the first step in my journey to becoming ‘a writer’. I have many more steps to complete on my journey to becoming a writer and you’re welcome to come along.
Topics I will be writing about in the coming weeks:
how much Colonization is embedded within our global society
the desperate need to declare housing a public health crisis in America
time as a social construct
evolution and human behaviors
Buckle in folks, we’re in for an adventure as I learn how to do this writing thing. As Sheryl Crow said, the first cut is the deepest and I so appreciate you all for being here for the deep cuts. A.k.a. my first attempt at this ‘writing’ thing despite my very real and very valid worries about the dangers of publishing research in academia.
If you have any questions or comments about what I’m writing, please feel free to leave something in the comment section if you feel inclined. I’m open to constructive feedback and learning together.
Miigwech bizindaadiwaad (thank you for listening).
“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”
